Mercury Retrocalypse

         How to survive a Mercury Retrocalypse

10 things you must know to survive a Zombie Mercury Retrocalypse

                           #1 ZOMBIE HEALTH

                              Worm flossing is good

9 out of 10 zombie dentist polled by the zombie ADA or ZADA,  recommend worm flossing.

                        Smoking = Zombieism

Yup zombies love to smoke. Most of them became zombies because they smoked too much.

                            Zombies go Vegan

When Mercury is retrograde zombies become Vegan and no longer have a thirst for flesh. But if all they find are GMO foods they will reach for some milk and break with the Vegan rank and file.

Meat eaters = Zombies in training

                    Rule #2 Doctors = Zombies

Doctors are zombies with a license, if you didn't already know that, then I predict major prescriptions of Xanax, Zoloft and a hoard of unnecessary vaccines and operations in your future

                    Rule #3 Friends = Zombies

If your worried about your friend's brains being eaten, don't, a lot of your friends don't have brains. Your friends usually become all zombified during Mercury Rx, so make sure you record everything they say during Mercury Rx because when it goes direct, they will never remember a word of what they said.

   Zombies find out Trump is elected 

As this is the first Mercury Retrograde phase since Trump was elected, Zombies are just finding out now that he won the election. We go to our cameras in New York to get live reactions of Zombies finding out Trump is the new POTUS.

                    Rule #4 Babies = Zombies

Yup, it's true. That cute thing you got over there in the crib, it will straight up feast on your brains the minute Mercury is Retrograde.

                                                Beevis and Buthead = Obviously Zombies 

Just watching them makes you a zombie

      Cheese has been found to contain Zombie parts ... just sayin'.

                                                                Ex lovers are like zombies

Ex lovers pop up out of nowhere during Mercury Retrograde

You know how your car never starts during Mercury retrograde? That's because zombies like staying safe on the road while they take Public Transportation. Because humans suck at driving, zombies usually disable human cars at night during MerRx just to increase their chances of survival.

                   Rule #5  Clowns = Zombies

All clowns are zombies underneath all that make-up, so make sure you're prepared. Rule # 1 – Never Trust a clown during Mercury Rx, or anytime for that matter !

         

            #6 Zombie + Music = Good          

When Mercury is direct, you want to avoid playing loud music because it attracts flesh-eating zombies. But during Mercury Retrograde, zombies love listening to music and it's a great way to keep them entertained

                            #7 Zombie Star

Yup, in case you astrologers are wondering, there is a star that governs zombies. It's kind of a secret only for Zombie astrologers to know but I dated this zombie chick last year and she told me it was in Scorpio about 5° east of Antares.

                #8 Mercury Rx + Telephones = Zombies

Mercury Rx is that special time of year when you can spot Zombies looking at their phones like regular humans, and humans looking at their phones like regular zombies.

If you have ever wonder where that phone is that you lost during Mercury Retrograde? Well you actually didn't lose it. You see, some phones turn into zombies during Mercury Retrograde, that's just how it is.

Real footage of a cell phone turning into a zombie 2 seconds after MerRx begins.

           #9   Dogs + Country Music = Zombies

Dogs turn into Zombies when you play Country Music, so do us all a favor and just don't!

                                         

 Dogs when listening to other types of music

 Dogs when listening to other types of music

 Dogs when listening to other types of music

      # 10 Cats + Mercury Retrograde = Zombies.

Cats turn into zombies during Mercury retrograde, or anytime you ask them to do anything for that matter.

All these yoga people talk about Ahimsa, but when it comes to Zombie Ahimsa they are bashing their zombie heads in. You should always be kind to zombies. Zombies were people too. At the end of the day Mercury Retrograde makes zombies peaceful and so we should not bash their heads in during Mercury Retrograde.

  This has been a public service announcement from the Coalition for Zombie Equal Rights.